Reconnecting

I've been in a lot of pain these past few weeks, a truly horrible, barely-making-through-the-day kind of pain.

My insecurities about Lucy are actually only a small part of this pain. What's really been getting to me is sheer loneliness. But I've been working on it, trying to establish contacts and make friends.

I got incredibly lucky, actually. Last month, when I went to see the show being put on by two of my former fellow grads (or should it be "fellow former grads"?), I sent the two an email saying hello, congratulating them on the show, and apologizing for having to miss the opening reception.

Several weeks went by before I heard anything back from either of them. I was really starting to fear that I was being snubbed.

But then they got back to me! The reply I got from "T" wasn't much—a sentence saying thanks for the email without much room, I felt, for writing anything back. The reply I got from "N", however, was great. She asked if I'd gotten a new phone number, she gave me hers in case I'd lost it from before, and she said she tried text messaging me to invite me over a couple times. (Which, since I don't have a cell phone, I couldn't receive... I've been wishing I had one fairly often nowadays.)

With Lucy's help, I gathered up the courage to call N a message on her voicemail. With Lucy's further encouragement, I called N again the next day, and we did something that very night! It was an awkward evening for me, especially since we were joined by a friend of N's, but it was worth it. N and I have been emailng each other off and on since then, and the door is certainly open for us to get together again.

One thing N mentioned to me during our evening out was that Alice, another grad from my program that I was almost friends with, had moved back into town. (Alice is the person who said "I miss you" in #6 of this post.) After several days of thinking it over and with more encouragement from Lucy, I asked N if I could have Alice's email to try and reconnect with her. Then, Wednesday night, I spent several hours working on an email to her. I agonized over every little part of it and even sent it to Lucy first for feedback. Here's what I sent (in a slightly censored form):

Hi Alice!

AA here.

Anyhoo, I was talking with N, and she mentioned that you were back in town. Me, having never left in the first place, asked her if I could get your email address so I could say "Hi." I hope it's okay and not too creepy-stalker-y.

I finished with my thesis and everything last May, but I'm still in town just working and scraping by and struggling to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life.

Anyways, it'd be great to hear back from you and hear how you're doing and what you've been up to. I hope you're doing well.

Laters!

I didn't know what else to say, and I feel like I didn't leave the door open enough for a reply. I didn't want to open the floodgates right away either. I'm incredibly afraid in all these interactions with N, with T, with Alice, and with anyone I like and want to be friends with—I'm afraid of saying or doing something wrong, something that would destroy my chances or chase the other person away.

It's only been a few days since I sent that email, but I'm still a little disappointed that I haven't heard back yet. Will I get a surprise email in a few weeks? That would be nice, but not something I think I can count on.