Back from Vermont

I've been an absolute wreck these past few days. I've been feeling terrified over thoughts of what I fear my life if turning into. I've put my life on hold for Lucy and, though I don't know what else or how else I could've done things, I'm feeling like I've fucked myself over.

Lucy came back from Vermont but without the plan for leaving her husband that she wanted to have. She almost left him the very night she came back into town, but he convinced her to stay another week. Though she doesn't believe him, he says he's finally figured things out and if she still wants to leave then he'd be okay with it.

He won't be okay with it. But I hope she can do this anyway.

But I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm in agony. The confusion, the fear, and the loneliness are intense. I don't really have anyone I can talk to. No one I can talk to in person, at least. I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck in shit jobs for the rest of my life. I'm afraid I'm going to be waiting on Lucy forever and I'm afraid that, even after she finally leaves her husband I still won't get to be with her. I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck in this stupid town forever.

I'm having trouble functioning through all these feelings. Yesterday, I was crying in the breakroom at work. I'm so miserable I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to ease the pain. I'm wondering if I should go back on medication.