But She Does Like Me

I'm really insecure about Lucy. I know this. But why?

A big problem comes from the fact that our major mode of communication is email. She's often very busy with her school work or her husband is around and she can't be seen writing to me, he dislikes me so much, so she can't always write as much as I'd like and she doesn't always respond to everything I write.

But even when she does have the time and energy to write, I still find the conversation lacking. The nonverbal communication is gone. The vocal intonations that clarify mood and and attitude are gone, leaving many things incredibly vague. The spontaneity and the immediacy of the conversation is gone.

I do my best to think about what she says and does and not react impulsively, but then I make myself upset anyway because of some super fast thought that zipped through my mind or because of something she said or didn't say and it's a struggle to maintain a clear head and isolate these thoughts to defeat them, but it hardly seems to work.

For example, last week I ended up writing something bad—a short and dismissive and inconsiderate email—and Lucy called me on it. It upset her. I realized my mistake and wrote another letter apologizing and admitting that I'd done wrong. And, while Lucy kept writing me that day, which I took as evidence that we were okay, she didn't respond to my apology at all until the next day, which left me in a complete wreck. I didn't know if she was still upset with me. I didn't know if she accepted the apology. I didn't know if I'd made things worse. But we were okay—it made her feel better to see me admit I'd written something callous and to apologize and to try to undo the damage. I just didn't know it.

For another example, Lucy has been open with some of her worries lately. She's worried things might not work out or that she'll hurt me. She tells me not to plan my life around her. (What other life do I have?) She reminds me a lot that she's not going to want to jump into another relationship right away. (Which I'm fine with. She can take as much time as she needs as long as we can still talk and hang out. But I wonder if it'll truly work out that way.) But instead of taking these things just as worries and fears, as founded or unfounded as any of the ones I have myself, I take them (unintentionally) as reasons to think that she doesn't really like me, that she's put off by me. I start to imagine that she'll leave her husband and, ultimately, not want to be with me either.

These are good concerns she's having, actually. I mean, we have no idea whether or not we might actually be good for each other. But keeping these fears about the future as what they are, just fears, and not transforming them into false assumptions about today has been incredibly difficult. I tell her that, more than anything, I just want the chance to find out, the chance to have a relationship with her.

She does like me. She really truly does. All my fears are swept aside when we're together, when she's right there next to me.

Neither of us knows what's going to happen, but we both hope change will come soon. I tell her that she's really strong, that she can do this, but I don't think she believes me. Lucy is leaving tomorrow for Vermont, actually. She's going to visit with some of her professors and a friend she has there. She'll be gone until Thursday and she's told both me and her husband that she wants the time for herself, that she's not going to have her phone on. Her friend there knows at least part of what's going on and I hope Lucy can figure some stuff out for herself. she wants to come up with a plan for herself, so she can come back from Vermont and leave her husband.

I have my fingers crossed.