Difficult Times

I'm up late writing this because I went and had caffeine too late in the day. There's a lot to catch up on. Life has really sucked lately.

It all started Monday. I was at work when I received an email from Lucy that said this:

I don't know how long you'd wait for me. Even if I do leave next week that doesn't guarantee that we'd be together next week. Right now I want out of relationships. Just out. I don't want to deal with them and I don't want to think about them. I don't want to be asked what will happen between us because I don't know. This is very depressing, I'm sure. I don't like writing it. I really don't want you to bank on being with me right now. I will be here for you. I will listen to you. I will try to help any way I can but right now its only as a friend. I thought about this a lot while I disappeared from reality in VT. I hope this isn't too harsh. Does this make sense? I hope so. I can't think. I'm still sick. I just know that you are my closest friend and I care about you. I wish we could play scrabble.

I was able to hold it together till the end of my shift, but as soon as I got in my car to drive home I started bawling. It felt like the end. Without Lucy, what else do I have to live for? I thought about killing myself.

I called N when I got home and left an emotional message on her voicemail. I didn't want to be alone and hoped she'd be available. She returned my message and, though she wasn't able to hang out, she talked with me for a bit and tried to help me. She convinced me to call my therapist so I wouldn't have to wait till our scheduled appointment (which was today).

I've been feeding the beast ever since. My therapist let me come in on Tuesday at noon and he suggested I "hunker down" while I wait for the worst to pass. I've been sleeping a lot and watching Family Guy DVDs almost non-stop to keep myself from thinking. I haven't showered, shaved, or even changed out of my clothes since Monday.

But I'm starting to feel better. It's helped that Lucy is still here for me, writing emails and playing lexulous and sending me photos. She's been worried about me, though not as worried as she might've been had I told her everything. 

And I still have hope that we'll be together, some day. Not an unrealistic hope, as my therapist said today.

And when I came home from my appointment today, there was a message on my answering machine. It was Lucy. She's left her husband.