Hello again

Why am I here again? Not sure. Not sure if I'll pick up this blog again with all the painful memories attached to it. One part of me is screaming for an outlet. Another part is telling me that writing a blog like this will only keep the painful things close to the surface where I can dwell on them indefinitely. I really want to forget everything and just be a new and different person.

Things that have happened since I last wrote (I'm not going to go back a reread anything, so some of these might be repeats):

1. Lexi left me. I used to call her "Lucy" to protect her identity, but screw that.
2. Lexi left her husband.
3. Lexi hooked up with some third guy in Chicago almost right away.
4. Her reason for ending things with me was that she was afraid of having to take care of me... she didn't actually know, but she was worried. She didn't want to be stuck doing my dishes, regardless of whether or not things would've actually ended up that way.
5. I wanted to kill myself after she left. It's taken me months and months to recover.
6. We're still "friends." We still email each other regularly, at first because neither of us had other friends to rely on, now only because I'm too nice to end it. I don't want to hurt her, even after all that she did to hurt me, even though every email I get from her still makes me angry, even though I get nothing from it.
7. I've gotten a new job. I'm still in retail (fuck), but at least I'm working full time now and I'm getting some limited health insurance.
8. I've been medication free since last October, though I've seriously considered starting again several times. I might still, but I'm very hesitant because of the experiences I had on my last regimen of Effexor XR 375mg a day, Wellbutrin XL 450mg a day, and Lamictal 200mg a day, which caused my anxiety to skyrocket and whose other side effects of weight gain, intense sweating, gum recession (maybe?), and high blood pressure made life so much more difficult. Since tapering myself off those meds I've been able to reconnect with my parents (I was always too intensely anxious and afraid before) and start exercising (the sheer amount of sweat made the whole endeavour absolutely miserable and made hydration near impossible).
9. After years of nothing, I've been making artwork again. And I've submitted for a few shows. Fingers crossed that I actually get in!
10. I'm still doing therapy weekly with the same therapist. He's been pretty good to keep working with me even though I seem absolutely resistant to change and can't even do the simplest of homework exercises.
11. I'm still in Rochester. I still dislike it here, but I don't hate it as intensely as I used to.  I tried my best to apply for out-of-state teaching jobs, but I didn't get any. I'm trying to make this city as tolerable as I can by moving to a new apartment and trying to get out more. I'll finally be moving in a week after two months of searching. I looked at 23 different places and was about to give up hope completely when I found the new place. It'll be smaller, cheaper, and in a nicer neighborhood. My efforts to get out more, join clubs or groups has been pretty fruitless. It's made incredibly hard by the fact that I work evening shifts most of the week. I get off work after 9, which is too late for most things.

I think that's all for now. I don't know if this helped or hurt or what. We'll see...