Things Start to Get a Little Complicated...

It was a weird night at work for me today...

To summarize things a little, I've been getting along really well with the manager at the store (let's call her "E" for now). We have a lot of fun and we've even started to open up to each other a little about our issues. It's been good. So naturally I've been hoping to be friends with her outside of work as well. Do I have a bit of a crush on her? Yes, but I've been trying to put that out of mind (whether or not that's been successful or even if it's possible is another story).

So I made an effort... We talked about getting together to see a movie some time (a really bad B movie... the kind that's so out there it has to be good) and she said she was interested, but the few times I tried to nail it down and say "hey, how about this weekend?" she bailed. She was really depressed for those few weeks, which I understand, but maybe it was also that she was uncomfortable with the idea. She is my boss, after all. I'm scared, too, of doing something inappropriate.

So after much fretting and after talking it over with the therapist I decided to let it drop. The worry was driving me crazy. I've made several moves, so if she wants to be friends then she needs to make some effort too.

Several weeks go by. I was really busy with the move. I was giving her my new address (so the company would have it) when she brought up the movie thing herself. I was a little surprised and didn't know what to say. (Not that I usually know what to say, that is...) I got a little excited. We still don't have anything scheduled, but it might just happen.

Fast forward to a few hours ago. I was working the closing shift with the assistant manager. The store was in a slow patch and there were no customers and she took the lull to ask me "Is there something going on between you and E?"

"No," I reply, which is the truth.

"You have really good chemistry and when you're together it's like there's no one else in the room," she tells me. And my head is reeling.

I figured it was noticeable that we got along, but I didn't think anything like what she described was happening. The assistant manager continued to say that her and the other two female employees there had all been discussing this and were wondering when I was going to ask E out. She also hinted that she might've talked with E about this too (and I believe it). I told her it would be wholely inappropriate to date E, but she didn't think anyone would have a problem.

I'm very confused. I don't know what to do, really. After the mess with Lexi I'm feeling very afraid of getting involved in any relationship that would have such limitations, complications, or repercussions. Granted, E isn't married, so right there is a huge difference between the two, but I'm still really scared by all this.

I don't want to be single. I'm sick of being lonely. But I also want a healthy relationship. I need to keep in mind that having a romantic relationship with E is still entirely hypothetical, but it worries me. I fear I'm developing a track record of unhealthy, inappropriate, and awkward relationships.

What a week for the therapist to be out of the office...

Moved!

I'm back online after nearly a week without internet access! I just moved to a spiffy new place then had the phone company jerk me around for a few days while they got my internet connection working. Stay tuned for new posts!

Attraction/Depression

This week we started interviewing potential new hires at work. The assistant manager announced that she's leaving to go back to school, so we put up "now hiring" on the big sign in front of the store, and the boss has started reviewing applications. This is a pretty big deal for everyone. We're a small crew at our location with only 6 staff total... three full timers (including the manager, assistant manager, and myself), a part timer, and two student employees (who get very few hours each). There's only one other guy working in the store, and I almost never work with him.

After the first interview on Wednesday, the manager came out and was all excited. "He's soooo cute!" she exclaimed and she went on about the wasps he had tattooed on his arm.

This was pretty upsetting for me. It's still upsetting for me to recall it. I do have a mild crush on the manager (bad idea, I know.... I'm fighting it) and I felt jealous, threatened and depressed.

The larger issue at hand, however, is that I'm still really lonely and I feel really unattractive, both physically and as a person. I can't imagine anyone getting excited over me the way the manager did for this guy. I can't imagine anyone really liking me at all and this makes all my efforts to be a better person—to exercise, take care of my diet and health, work on my social skills—that much harder.

The past 3 months or so I've been attempting the online dating thing. It's been very very difficult for me. My experience is that 90% of people just don't fucking respond. I've worked really hard at putting together a profile (I've even had a friend check it for me) and I put a lot of effort into what I write for those initial messages. I did manage to go on a few dates with one girl, a very nice and attractive person who talked too much and listened very little. She didn't seem to care about anything about me. It's frustrating and disappointing and the few successes I've had don't seem to count.

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts about the online dating thing?

Hello again

Why am I here again? Not sure. Not sure if I'll pick up this blog again with all the painful memories attached to it. One part of me is screaming for an outlet. Another part is telling me that writing a blog like this will only keep the painful things close to the surface where I can dwell on them indefinitely. I really want to forget everything and just be a new and different person.

Things that have happened since I last wrote (I'm not going to go back a reread anything, so some of these might be repeats):

1. Lexi left me. I used to call her "Lucy" to protect her identity, but screw that.
2. Lexi left her husband.
3. Lexi hooked up with some third guy in Chicago almost right away.
4. Her reason for ending things with me was that she was afraid of having to take care of me... she didn't actually know, but she was worried. She didn't want to be stuck doing my dishes, regardless of whether or not things would've actually ended up that way.
5. I wanted to kill myself after she left. It's taken me months and months to recover.
6. We're still "friends." We still email each other regularly, at first because neither of us had other friends to rely on, now only because I'm too nice to end it. I don't want to hurt her, even after all that she did to hurt me, even though every email I get from her still makes me angry, even though I get nothing from it.
7. I've gotten a new job. I'm still in retail (fuck), but at least I'm working full time now and I'm getting some limited health insurance.
8. I've been medication free since last October, though I've seriously considered starting again several times. I might still, but I'm very hesitant because of the experiences I had on my last regimen of Effexor XR 375mg a day, Wellbutrin XL 450mg a day, and Lamictal 200mg a day, which caused my anxiety to skyrocket and whose other side effects of weight gain, intense sweating, gum recession (maybe?), and high blood pressure made life so much more difficult. Since tapering myself off those meds I've been able to reconnect with my parents (I was always too intensely anxious and afraid before) and start exercising (the sheer amount of sweat made the whole endeavour absolutely miserable and made hydration near impossible).
9. After years of nothing, I've been making artwork again. And I've submitted for a few shows. Fingers crossed that I actually get in!
10. I'm still doing therapy weekly with the same therapist. He's been pretty good to keep working with me even though I seem absolutely resistant to change and can't even do the simplest of homework exercises.
11. I'm still in Rochester. I still dislike it here, but I don't hate it as intensely as I used to.  I tried my best to apply for out-of-state teaching jobs, but I didn't get any. I'm trying to make this city as tolerable as I can by moving to a new apartment and trying to get out more. I'll finally be moving in a week after two months of searching. I looked at 23 different places and was about to give up hope completely when I found the new place. It'll be smaller, cheaper, and in a nicer neighborhood. My efforts to get out more, join clubs or groups has been pretty fruitless. It's made incredibly hard by the fact that I work evening shifts most of the week. I get off work after 9, which is too late for most things.

I think that's all for now. I don't know if this helped or hurt or what. We'll see...