Leavin'

I've got big, big, BIG news! Lucy is leaving work! She hasn't put in her two weeks' notice yet (as far as I know),  but she's give the department managers (who have no control over hiring or payroll of any such thing) a heads up.

This is scary and exciting for both of us. She's scared of the lack of income and she's scared this might make it any easier to leave her husband, who is trying to convince her in to staying till the end of the school year. But she's happy that she's going to have more time for her grad school work—she's been stretched to the breaking point with work and reading and dealing with life and she hasn't had any time to make any actual artworks. The past few weeks have been awful for her and she's been so depressed she's even been talking, however obtusely, about killing herself.

I'm scared that this won't make it easier for her to leave her husband too and also that, well, I'm not going to get to see her or talk to her much at all after she leaves. The only reason I've been continuing to work in this awful, horrible job is that it's also the only place I've gotten to spend any time with her. Not ideal, but anything's better than nothing.

Along the same vein, I'm excited that things are changing at all. I'm excited that Lucy's finally taking some control over her life and not just rolling with the punches and finally finally finally doing something for herself! She has so many thoughts about what she'd like to do and things she wants for herself and her life and it kills me to see how afraid she is of doing anything to get them.

But I'm really scared of losing her. I'm scared of change. Once she leaves work I'll have no excuse not to be out and looking for different employment, which is one of my absolute least favorite things to do.

Excited and scared... I so wish this situation were over and done with. I so wish it could end with the two of us together.