Awful, painful, disasterous, lonely, sad, despondent. I'm not even sure how to descrive today.
The day began and ended 10:30 this morning when I woke up to find an email from Lucy. She says our relationship (what little there is) has gone too far, and that she feels she can't be completely honest with me.
(Background, since I haven't written about it yet: Lucy is in an emotionally/psychologically abusive marriage, and I've been her main supporter, friend, and confidant throughout the past half a year or so. I told myself not to, but I did develop feelings for her and, somehow, she managed to do the same for me. Not only am I absolutely crazy about her but she's also, quite literally, the only friend I have.)
I don't know why she feels she has to hide things from me or "walk on eggshells around me," as she put it. I've always tried my damnedest to be open and supportive and to accept her in every way possible. And I've tried my hardest to be open and honest and to be as patient and understanding as humanly possible when it comes to her marriage.
The email from this morning has affected me somehow. I fear that what we have is on its way out—both the friendship and the possibility of a relationship. I feel like my heart has stopped. Or maybe it's just outright disappeared leaving nothing but an empty cavity in my chest where it used to be.
Maybe this is what is meant by the phrase "a broken heart"?
I don't think I can keep writing about this right now. I've been putting off these thoughts all fucking day and writing them down is going to lead to a breakdown, I know it.
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AA, I know about broken hearts and I am so sorry this happened. Is this why you haven't blogged in a while?
ReplyDeleteI hope since you posted this, things have smoothed out a bit between you and Lucy.
Take care.
Wowzers! A comment!
ReplyDeleteThings have smoothed out considerably between us.
There's a couple reasons I haven't been writing much. For one, writing takes an awful amount of energy for me. Actually, every activity takes an awful lot of energy and I never have enough to go around.
For two, my primary coping mechanism is to avoid thinking and dealing with things. Blogging can be quite an affront to that.
Thank you for the feedback, Susan, it helps tremendously!