Things Start to Get a Little Complicated...

It was a weird night at work for me today...

To summarize things a little, I've been getting along really well with the manager at the store (let's call her "E" for now). We have a lot of fun and we've even started to open up to each other a little about our issues. It's been good. So naturally I've been hoping to be friends with her outside of work as well. Do I have a bit of a crush on her? Yes, but I've been trying to put that out of mind (whether or not that's been successful or even if it's possible is another story).

So I made an effort... We talked about getting together to see a movie some time (a really bad B movie... the kind that's so out there it has to be good) and she said she was interested, but the few times I tried to nail it down and say "hey, how about this weekend?" she bailed. She was really depressed for those few weeks, which I understand, but maybe it was also that she was uncomfortable with the idea. She is my boss, after all. I'm scared, too, of doing something inappropriate.

So after much fretting and after talking it over with the therapist I decided to let it drop. The worry was driving me crazy. I've made several moves, so if she wants to be friends then she needs to make some effort too.

Several weeks go by. I was really busy with the move. I was giving her my new address (so the company would have it) when she brought up the movie thing herself. I was a little surprised and didn't know what to say. (Not that I usually know what to say, that is...) I got a little excited. We still don't have anything scheduled, but it might just happen.

Fast forward to a few hours ago. I was working the closing shift with the assistant manager. The store was in a slow patch and there were no customers and she took the lull to ask me "Is there something going on between you and E?"

"No," I reply, which is the truth.

"You have really good chemistry and when you're together it's like there's no one else in the room," she tells me. And my head is reeling.

I figured it was noticeable that we got along, but I didn't think anything like what she described was happening. The assistant manager continued to say that her and the other two female employees there had all been discussing this and were wondering when I was going to ask E out. She also hinted that she might've talked with E about this too (and I believe it). I told her it would be wholely inappropriate to date E, but she didn't think anyone would have a problem.

I'm very confused. I don't know what to do, really. After the mess with Lexi I'm feeling very afraid of getting involved in any relationship that would have such limitations, complications, or repercussions. Granted, E isn't married, so right there is a huge difference between the two, but I'm still really scared by all this.

I don't want to be single. I'm sick of being lonely. But I also want a healthy relationship. I need to keep in mind that having a romantic relationship with E is still entirely hypothetical, but it worries me. I fear I'm developing a track record of unhealthy, inappropriate, and awkward relationships.

What a week for the therapist to be out of the office...

Moved!

I'm back online after nearly a week without internet access! I just moved to a spiffy new place then had the phone company jerk me around for a few days while they got my internet connection working. Stay tuned for new posts!

Attraction/Depression

This week we started interviewing potential new hires at work. The assistant manager announced that she's leaving to go back to school, so we put up "now hiring" on the big sign in front of the store, and the boss has started reviewing applications. This is a pretty big deal for everyone. We're a small crew at our location with only 6 staff total... three full timers (including the manager, assistant manager, and myself), a part timer, and two student employees (who get very few hours each). There's only one other guy working in the store, and I almost never work with him.

After the first interview on Wednesday, the manager came out and was all excited. "He's soooo cute!" she exclaimed and she went on about the wasps he had tattooed on his arm.

This was pretty upsetting for me. It's still upsetting for me to recall it. I do have a mild crush on the manager (bad idea, I know.... I'm fighting it) and I felt jealous, threatened and depressed.

The larger issue at hand, however, is that I'm still really lonely and I feel really unattractive, both physically and as a person. I can't imagine anyone getting excited over me the way the manager did for this guy. I can't imagine anyone really liking me at all and this makes all my efforts to be a better person—to exercise, take care of my diet and health, work on my social skills—that much harder.

The past 3 months or so I've been attempting the online dating thing. It's been very very difficult for me. My experience is that 90% of people just don't fucking respond. I've worked really hard at putting together a profile (I've even had a friend check it for me) and I put a lot of effort into what I write for those initial messages. I did manage to go on a few dates with one girl, a very nice and attractive person who talked too much and listened very little. She didn't seem to care about anything about me. It's frustrating and disappointing and the few successes I've had don't seem to count.

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts about the online dating thing?

Hello again

Why am I here again? Not sure. Not sure if I'll pick up this blog again with all the painful memories attached to it. One part of me is screaming for an outlet. Another part is telling me that writing a blog like this will only keep the painful things close to the surface where I can dwell on them indefinitely. I really want to forget everything and just be a new and different person.

Things that have happened since I last wrote (I'm not going to go back a reread anything, so some of these might be repeats):

1. Lexi left me. I used to call her "Lucy" to protect her identity, but screw that.
2. Lexi left her husband.
3. Lexi hooked up with some third guy in Chicago almost right away.
4. Her reason for ending things with me was that she was afraid of having to take care of me... she didn't actually know, but she was worried. She didn't want to be stuck doing my dishes, regardless of whether or not things would've actually ended up that way.
5. I wanted to kill myself after she left. It's taken me months and months to recover.
6. We're still "friends." We still email each other regularly, at first because neither of us had other friends to rely on, now only because I'm too nice to end it. I don't want to hurt her, even after all that she did to hurt me, even though every email I get from her still makes me angry, even though I get nothing from it.
7. I've gotten a new job. I'm still in retail (fuck), but at least I'm working full time now and I'm getting some limited health insurance.
8. I've been medication free since last October, though I've seriously considered starting again several times. I might still, but I'm very hesitant because of the experiences I had on my last regimen of Effexor XR 375mg a day, Wellbutrin XL 450mg a day, and Lamictal 200mg a day, which caused my anxiety to skyrocket and whose other side effects of weight gain, intense sweating, gum recession (maybe?), and high blood pressure made life so much more difficult. Since tapering myself off those meds I've been able to reconnect with my parents (I was always too intensely anxious and afraid before) and start exercising (the sheer amount of sweat made the whole endeavour absolutely miserable and made hydration near impossible).
9. After years of nothing, I've been making artwork again. And I've submitted for a few shows. Fingers crossed that I actually get in!
10. I'm still doing therapy weekly with the same therapist. He's been pretty good to keep working with me even though I seem absolutely resistant to change and can't even do the simplest of homework exercises.
11. I'm still in Rochester. I still dislike it here, but I don't hate it as intensely as I used to.  I tried my best to apply for out-of-state teaching jobs, but I didn't get any. I'm trying to make this city as tolerable as I can by moving to a new apartment and trying to get out more. I'll finally be moving in a week after two months of searching. I looked at 23 different places and was about to give up hope completely when I found the new place. It'll be smaller, cheaper, and in a nicer neighborhood. My efforts to get out more, join clubs or groups has been pretty fruitless. It's made incredibly hard by the fact that I work evening shifts most of the week. I get off work after 9, which is too late for most things.

I think that's all for now. I don't know if this helped or hurt or what. We'll see...

Difficult Times

I'm up late writing this because I went and had caffeine too late in the day. There's a lot to catch up on. Life has really sucked lately.

It all started Monday. I was at work when I received an email from Lucy that said this:

I don't know how long you'd wait for me. Even if I do leave next week that doesn't guarantee that we'd be together next week. Right now I want out of relationships. Just out. I don't want to deal with them and I don't want to think about them. I don't want to be asked what will happen between us because I don't know. This is very depressing, I'm sure. I don't like writing it. I really don't want you to bank on being with me right now. I will be here for you. I will listen to you. I will try to help any way I can but right now its only as a friend. I thought about this a lot while I disappeared from reality in VT. I hope this isn't too harsh. Does this make sense? I hope so. I can't think. I'm still sick. I just know that you are my closest friend and I care about you. I wish we could play scrabble.

I was able to hold it together till the end of my shift, but as soon as I got in my car to drive home I started bawling. It felt like the end. Without Lucy, what else do I have to live for? I thought about killing myself.

I called N when I got home and left an emotional message on her voicemail. I didn't want to be alone and hoped she'd be available. She returned my message and, though she wasn't able to hang out, she talked with me for a bit and tried to help me. She convinced me to call my therapist so I wouldn't have to wait till our scheduled appointment (which was today).

I've been feeding the beast ever since. My therapist let me come in on Tuesday at noon and he suggested I "hunker down" while I wait for the worst to pass. I've been sleeping a lot and watching Family Guy DVDs almost non-stop to keep myself from thinking. I haven't showered, shaved, or even changed out of my clothes since Monday.

But I'm starting to feel better. It's helped that Lucy is still here for me, writing emails and playing lexulous and sending me photos. She's been worried about me, though not as worried as she might've been had I told her everything. 

And I still have hope that we'll be together, some day. Not an unrealistic hope, as my therapist said today.

And when I came home from my appointment today, there was a message on my answering machine. It was Lucy. She's left her husband.

Back from Vermont

I've been an absolute wreck these past few days. I've been feeling terrified over thoughts of what I fear my life if turning into. I've put my life on hold for Lucy and, though I don't know what else or how else I could've done things, I'm feeling like I've fucked myself over.

Lucy came back from Vermont but without the plan for leaving her husband that she wanted to have. She almost left him the very night she came back into town, but he convinced her to stay another week. Though she doesn't believe him, he says he's finally figured things out and if she still wants to leave then he'd be okay with it.

He won't be okay with it. But I hope she can do this anyway.

But I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm in agony. The confusion, the fear, and the loneliness are intense. I don't really have anyone I can talk to. No one I can talk to in person, at least. I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck in shit jobs for the rest of my life. I'm afraid I'm going to be waiting on Lucy forever and I'm afraid that, even after she finally leaves her husband I still won't get to be with her. I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck in this stupid town forever.

I'm having trouble functioning through all these feelings. Yesterday, I was crying in the breakroom at work. I'm so miserable I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to ease the pain. I'm wondering if I should go back on medication.

Reconnecting 2

Yesterday during work, almost a week after I wrote her, Alice got back to me:

hi aa!

so nice to hear from you. i must say i'm bummed that i missed your thesis as i've been in town since the end of april. i'd love to see what you did - do you have pictures? hee hee, photo major.

well, i got married, bought a house in [small nearby town], and am working at [small catholic university]. benefits are nice! life is being good to me. how is [current residence] for you?

post-home ownership i've gotten into the habit of dinner parties. perhaps you and [n] would like to come over for one?

i hope you're well - thanks for getting back in touch!

later gator,

alice

I'm really relieved to hear back from her, but now I'm in a pickle about writing a reply. She wants to know how I'm doing but how much do I share? She's doing great but I'm lonely, scared, and miserable and, because it's in an email, I'm tempted to spill my guts. I shouldn't though.

And she mentioned having a dinner party with N. I would love to go, but the idea freaks me out more than a little. Parties are incredibly difficult for me. Couldn't we just go for coffee instead?

I'm going to bring this up at therapy today. I'm thankful the timing of the reply makes this possible. And I printed out the emails—my original one and her reply—so I could reference them directly. I talk about emails a lot during my weekly sessions, so I wonder if actually bringing them in would help.

Reconnecting

I've been in a lot of pain these past few weeks, a truly horrible, barely-making-through-the-day kind of pain.

My insecurities about Lucy are actually only a small part of this pain. What's really been getting to me is sheer loneliness. But I've been working on it, trying to establish contacts and make friends.

I got incredibly lucky, actually. Last month, when I went to see the show being put on by two of my former fellow grads (or should it be "fellow former grads"?), I sent the two an email saying hello, congratulating them on the show, and apologizing for having to miss the opening reception.

Several weeks went by before I heard anything back from either of them. I was really starting to fear that I was being snubbed.

But then they got back to me! The reply I got from "T" wasn't much—a sentence saying thanks for the email without much room, I felt, for writing anything back. The reply I got from "N", however, was great. She asked if I'd gotten a new phone number, she gave me hers in case I'd lost it from before, and she said she tried text messaging me to invite me over a couple times. (Which, since I don't have a cell phone, I couldn't receive... I've been wishing I had one fairly often nowadays.)

With Lucy's help, I gathered up the courage to call N a message on her voicemail. With Lucy's further encouragement, I called N again the next day, and we did something that very night! It was an awkward evening for me, especially since we were joined by a friend of N's, but it was worth it. N and I have been emailng each other off and on since then, and the door is certainly open for us to get together again.

One thing N mentioned to me during our evening out was that Alice, another grad from my program that I was almost friends with, had moved back into town. (Alice is the person who said "I miss you" in #6 of this post.) After several days of thinking it over and with more encouragement from Lucy, I asked N if I could have Alice's email to try and reconnect with her. Then, Wednesday night, I spent several hours working on an email to her. I agonized over every little part of it and even sent it to Lucy first for feedback. Here's what I sent (in a slightly censored form):

Hi Alice!

AA here.

Anyhoo, I was talking with N, and she mentioned that you were back in town. Me, having never left in the first place, asked her if I could get your email address so I could say "Hi." I hope it's okay and not too creepy-stalker-y.

I finished with my thesis and everything last May, but I'm still in town just working and scraping by and struggling to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life.

Anyways, it'd be great to hear back from you and hear how you're doing and what you've been up to. I hope you're doing well.

Laters!

I didn't know what else to say, and I feel like I didn't leave the door open enough for a reply. I didn't want to open the floodgates right away either. I'm incredibly afraid in all these interactions with N, with T, with Alice, and with anyone I like and want to be friends with—I'm afraid of saying or doing something wrong, something that would destroy my chances or chase the other person away.

It's only been a few days since I sent that email, but I'm still a little disappointed that I haven't heard back yet. Will I get a surprise email in a few weeks? That would be nice, but not something I think I can count on.

But She Does Like Me

I'm really insecure about Lucy. I know this. But why?

A big problem comes from the fact that our major mode of communication is email. She's often very busy with her school work or her husband is around and she can't be seen writing to me, he dislikes me so much, so she can't always write as much as I'd like and she doesn't always respond to everything I write.

But even when she does have the time and energy to write, I still find the conversation lacking. The nonverbal communication is gone. The vocal intonations that clarify mood and and attitude are gone, leaving many things incredibly vague. The spontaneity and the immediacy of the conversation is gone.

I do my best to think about what she says and does and not react impulsively, but then I make myself upset anyway because of some super fast thought that zipped through my mind or because of something she said or didn't say and it's a struggle to maintain a clear head and isolate these thoughts to defeat them, but it hardly seems to work.

For example, last week I ended up writing something bad—a short and dismissive and inconsiderate email—and Lucy called me on it. It upset her. I realized my mistake and wrote another letter apologizing and admitting that I'd done wrong. And, while Lucy kept writing me that day, which I took as evidence that we were okay, she didn't respond to my apology at all until the next day, which left me in a complete wreck. I didn't know if she was still upset with me. I didn't know if she accepted the apology. I didn't know if I'd made things worse. But we were okay—it made her feel better to see me admit I'd written something callous and to apologize and to try to undo the damage. I just didn't know it.

For another example, Lucy has been open with some of her worries lately. She's worried things might not work out or that she'll hurt me. She tells me not to plan my life around her. (What other life do I have?) She reminds me a lot that she's not going to want to jump into another relationship right away. (Which I'm fine with. She can take as much time as she needs as long as we can still talk and hang out. But I wonder if it'll truly work out that way.) But instead of taking these things just as worries and fears, as founded or unfounded as any of the ones I have myself, I take them (unintentionally) as reasons to think that she doesn't really like me, that she's put off by me. I start to imagine that she'll leave her husband and, ultimately, not want to be with me either.

These are good concerns she's having, actually. I mean, we have no idea whether or not we might actually be good for each other. But keeping these fears about the future as what they are, just fears, and not transforming them into false assumptions about today has been incredibly difficult. I tell her that, more than anything, I just want the chance to find out, the chance to have a relationship with her.

She does like me. She really truly does. All my fears are swept aside when we're together, when she's right there next to me.

Neither of us knows what's going to happen, but we both hope change will come soon. I tell her that she's really strong, that she can do this, but I don't think she believes me. Lucy is leaving tomorrow for Vermont, actually. She's going to visit with some of her professors and a friend she has there. She'll be gone until Thursday and she's told both me and her husband that she wants the time for herself, that she's not going to have her phone on. Her friend there knows at least part of what's going on and I hope Lucy can figure some stuff out for herself. she wants to come up with a plan for herself, so she can come back from Vermont and leave her husband.

I have my fingers crossed.

Of Course I Voted...

I've been jokingly telling people that I voted for Bill and Opus, but no one seems to get it. I'm very disappointed by all this.